First step is to clarify what’s going on. Sometimes children are simply over tired or beginning to feel unwell. Think back to the past few days or weeks, has it been very busy or are there any signs that a cold or other is taking hold? Some early nights or a very quiet day at home may be the solution. If there is something else going on, ask your child to explain to you what their thoughts are. It may be helpful at this stage to email the class teacher to see if they have noticed anything different happening that is causing your child to feel reluctant about going to school. Some difficulties that seem to come up frequently are; conflicts with friends, a misunderstanding with a teacher, worries about school work, the journey to or from school or it could be a general worry or anxiety and the young person can’t say why they are worried exactly or it may be a few of the above concerns put together.
Next step is to discuss the reasons why school is important. Parents can use this as an opportunity to share family values about learning, social growth and development. You could talk about the opportunities to engage in sporting and cultural activities and the wide experiences schools offer for personal development in a huge range of directions. Of course, there is also a legal obligation in New Zealand for young people to attend school. This step is important and in behavioural psychology we would say that this is when we become very clear about what the expectation is for behaviour. Young people need to know that their parents expect that they will attend school every day.
Now that everyone is clear about what the expectation is and the reasons for this and the reasons why this is difficult now, we can start to generate some solutions to the problem. A great place to start is to think about when aspects of happily going to school are happening already. Look for those times when school is eagerly anticipated or something great happened at school. Consider what was involved in that situation. What elements of that can be applied more broadly so that school can become something to enjoy rather than avoid.
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This is a multi-part series, in this first article I’ll talk about putting the problem into context and getting some more perspective on it. Next post I’ll talk about how to put together a clear plan to make a change. If you are dealing with an urgent problem please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I can mail you parts two and three.
Some mornings we just don’t feel like getting up and getting into our day. Most of us have learned that the best thing to do when we are feeling that way is to get up and get going on the routine. Before too long we are getting on with our day and finding that really, it isn’t that bad and maybe it’s even pretty good. We know that life is a mixture of good and not so good and that our reward for managing the stuff we don’t like so much is that we get to enjoy the things we do. I’m not sure many of us enjoy filling in tax forms but we know that it’s a necessity of life (apologies to the tax accountants).
When our children say that they don’t want to go to school we are given an opportunity to help children to learn how to cope with the ups and downs of life. The reason I can say this so confidently is that we know from research into resilience that getting through the challenges that life presents us develops resilience. Also, from Carol Dweck’s research into fixed and growth mindset we know that folks who celebrate challenges are much more successful in life.
Robyn Stead, Child Psychologist and Educator, lives and works in central Auckland.