 A wonderful blog today from Alisha Bliss, educational psychologist.
As educators, we (I used to be a teacher) are taught appropriate strategies, curriculum design and implementation, and behaviour management techniques. But the true foundation of learning is something much deeper: relationships. Here’s why strong, positive student/teacher relationships matter: 📍 The brain won’t learn if it doesn’t feel safe. Children who are dysregulated, anxious, or uncertain aren’t in a space to retain information, they’re just trying to survive the moment. A calm, caring adult helps shift them from survival to learning. 📍 Behaviour is communication. When a child “acts out,” they’re often asking: Do you see me? Do you care? Am I safe? A strong relationship allows us to respond with curiosity, not control. 📍 Connection builds regulation. Self-regulation isn’t automatic, it’s modelled in relationships. Through co-regulation with a trusted adult, children learn how to calm their bodies, name their feelings, and find safe ways to express themselves. 📍 Trust transforms risk-taking. Academic growth requires children to make mistakes, try new things, and struggle at times. But they’ll only do that when they feel safe to be vulnerable, and that safety comes from a strong, positive student/teacher relationship. 📍 Relationships are equity in action. Every child deserves to feel seen and valued for who they are. When we lead with empathy and connection, we break cycles of disconnection, exclusion, and shame. 📍 Learning is relational by nature. From a child’s very first experiences, they learn in relationships with others. Our words, our presence, our tone, all shape how they see themselves as learners and humans. 💬 So when you take time to check in, to kneel down at eye level, to remember their sibling’s name, or to say “I’m glad you’re here” — you are doing the real work. Because children don’t learn from people they fear. They don’t thrive in classrooms where they feel invisible. They grow in the presence of an adult who believes in them, even on their hardest days. 🧡 Relationship isn’t extra. It’s everything. 🧡 You are the safe harbour. You are the connection. You are the difference.
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If you are looking for a research, evidence based parenting programme that works you can't go past Triple P. I often recommend this to parents who want to improve their parenting skills. In the Auckland region the Ministry of Health is funding free access to Triple P online. There are courses focused on children who are experiencing anxiety, parents of young children and parents of teenagers. Once you have signed up you choose when and how you access the programme. Modules take about an hour to complete.
Sign up at https://www.triplep-parenting.net.nz/nz-uken/triple-p/  The push is now on for all eligible New Zealanders to become vaccinated. That may be difficult for anyone who is nervous or worried about needles.
Check out some quick tips to make the process a little bit easier.
Positive reinforcement will set the scene for any future vaccines they may require, and leave a lasting memory of a positive experience, knowing they have done the right thing, and it was nice and easy. If your child is more than a little anxious and the strategies shared here aren’t working you can talk to your child’s teacher or doctor for ideas of where to go for further support.  Thank you to all the wonderful young people and their families that I have had the enormous privilege of working with this year. 2020 has been a year like no other and yet despite the challenges there have been some amazing demonstrations of resilence and growth. As we move away from formal learning into holiday mode I would like to take a moment to wish everyone a safe and happy school holidays. Robyn
Transitioning students back to school after lockdown. Check out the link below to see my guest blog discussing some strategies to manage the transition back to school after lockdown.
https://topteachingtasks.com/transitioning-students-back-to-school-after-lockdown/  As I’ve been working from home during this lockdown period I recently noticed a rising sense of unease in myself. Once I stopped to think about this feeling I discovered it was linked to the tidal wave of information in my social media accounts, on the news and in my email box giving me advice about how I should be doing life in lockdown. I’m guessing that I’m not the only one. Parents who are managing work, household tasks and the needs of children as well as young adults who have their own social media accounts may be feeling this pressure too. Even young children may be feeling some pressure about what is the right way to feel or things to do.
While social media, the world wide web and emails are fantastic for keeping in touch with family and friends and keeping informed they can also become a measuring stick against which we grade ourselves. As always people present their best selves on social media and it is wise to think carefully about what you are viewing from other people and make conscious decisions about whether what they are sharing is useful or not. Remember that most social media platforms will allow you to stop seeing posts you are finding bothersome without informing the person that you have done so. Feel free to use this feature liberally as needed. Each one of us will be managing the lockdown under level 4 and upcoming transition to level 3 in a different way. I’d like to encourage you to take a moment to acknowledge and accept the way that you are feeling. There is no right or wrong way to feel. To help support this you may find it is helpful to try out a breathing exercise. A simple one is box breathing. Exhale deeply then take a breath in for the count of 4, hold the breath for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4 and pause for a count of 4 before starting the cycle again. If you would like a visual support check out the link to a Headspace video of a breathing exercise https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEqZthCaMpo . What feels good to you now? Whether it’s going for a long run or sitting on the couch watching TV then that’s OK.  Many parents will be feeling pressure about parenting during the lock down. It's entirely possible that you are seeing social media and emails from friends and family or acquaintances that talk about how well they are and how in fact they are thriving educationally and socially during this lock down period. Many will be proffering advice about how to do all of this in the best way possible. While this is often well intentioned and helpful advice it may not be what you need in your situation. I’d encourage you to take a moment and think about what works best for you and your family.
Some structure is important to maintain while everyone is at home this should be loosely based on a few key areas such as enjoying at least one meal together as a group and everyone engaging in some form of exercise during the day, basic hygiene like showering and brushing teeth and putting on clothes suitable for the day at least most days (pajama days can be fun as long as it’s not every day). Young children will benefit from reading and talking with an adult and some basic maths and spelling practice regularly and these things can be managed within a loose routine. Older children may benefit from parents showing an interest in their studies and providing some support for the child developing their own study routine. For the most part, be kind to yourself and adopt the concept of ‘good enough’, there is no need or desire for you to be the perfect parent. Good enough is good enough. If your child spends more time than usual watching TV or on devices, beyond checking that they are accessing appropriate content (age appropriate) then that is fine and feel free to enjoy the ability to get some work done or spend some time doing something you enjoy.  Ngā mihi o te tau hou. Happy New Year to you all. I hope 2020 is a wonderful year full of great learning and development opportunities. I thought for this first blog of the year I’d talk about my role as an educational psychologist and how I work to support parents and young people along with other professionals to ensure education is accessible and enjoyable.
My work as an educational psychologist includes identifying, assessing and supporting children and young people with additional needs. I work across education, social services and health sectors. Educational psychology training is based in human development, applied behaviour analysis, psychological assessment and research, counselling theory and practice and we work to support the learning and wellbeing of young people, whanau, communities and wider society. Anyone calling themselves a psychologist in New Zealand must be registered by the New Zealand Psychologist’s board. If you would like to work with a psychologist, educational or other you can find their registration details here http://www.psychologistsboard.org.nz/search-the-register. For consumers of our services it can be quite confusing to make a decision on who is the best person to see. There are many people offering support services to children and their families who are in fact not suitably qualified. The annual registration process provides some reassurance that the person is well qualified and they are keeping up to date with the latest thinking in psychology. This is very similar to the registration process for teachers. I routinely see private clients for assessments of learning and behaviour, I provide support to other professionals including other psychologists, counsellors, and school leadership regarding students who may have additional needs. I also write a regular blog on my website https://www.edpsych.co.nz/helpful-ideas with the aim of providing free support to parents and students/young people who may need some help with either behaviour or learning difficulties.  Wishing everyone a very relaxing and enjoyable summer break. I thought for my final post this year I’d put together a summer resource list for you all. I’ve included websites, books, podcasts, so no matter how you like to access information there is something for you. I hope that you all find some quiet time to check at least one or two out.
 Teens and preteens are challenging, changing, fascinating and tremendously fun to parent. Their views on the world are often very different from their parents and they often see situations differently from the adults around them. Last month I wrote about why that might be. This month I’m focused on some strategies that work to support you and your offspring to enjoy this time. The late Celia Lashlie in her book, He’ll be OK: growing gorgeous boys into good men, advocates providing very clear boundaries against which young people can push but not break through. Within these boundaries she suggests allowing children and teens to make their own mistakes so that they can discover their own limitations. Nigel Latta another author of numerous parenting books and a highly qualified clinical psychologist also advocates a not too tight and not too loose approach. During this time, it’s useful for parents to re visit their rules and expectations to make sure they are still fit for purpose. While a younger child might be expected to come straight home from school, if they are independently travelling, an older child might be allowed some extra time to socialise with friends on their way home.
Opportunities for frequent contact with your child can become more difficult to find at this stage. Gone are the night-time stories, bath time supervision and other routines that allowed you to spend time together. Parents of teens need to look for those opportunities and ring fence them. Dinner time as a family may not be possible every night due to sports, cultural or other activities but prioritize at least a few nights when your family eat a meal together and share how your day has gone. Take advantage of those times when you drive your child to a sporting or other event to have casual conversations. It is important to be very clear about your expectations in terms of social issues that will be coming into focus for your child. What are your expectations around use of alcohol, drugs, and romantic relationships? Some of these conversations can be awkward and difficult to have but if you don’t talk about them your child will not only be getting this information from another source, they may see you as being unapproachable about these topics. We also deprive our children of a tool they can use if they are facing some peer pressure around a behaviour. The, “My parents said that if I do that I’ll be in big trouble” tool. Our kids need to know that in a difficult situation their parents are prepared to take the fall. The “my mum/dad is such a pain they never let me do that/go there/stay there”, excuse. My top tip for having these conversations is to go in and say your piece and then back away and leave it all to sink in. After a period go back in again and repeat or expand your point. This gives everyone time to digest what has been said and come up with questions or clarifications. On that note it is also very important to be conscious of our own behaviour. A young person will be watching their parents to see how this adulting thing is done so consider modelling or showing them the behaviour, you are hoping to see your child replicate. Of key importance is that if you do something your regret in front of your child explain that you made a mistake and tell them what you have learned and will be doing differently based on this experience. No one is perfect but it’s what we do once we’ve made a mistake that makes the difference. Enjoy this time and watch with awe as your child, preteen and then teen develop into the wonderful adults we hoped they would. If parenting your teen is becoming a real struggle look for other resources for support. The parenting place run sessions specifically for parents of teens, https://www.theparentingplace.com/teenage-years/ your GP, school staff may be able to provide another perspective on the situation, an educational or clinical psychologist can also be helpful. |
AuthorRobyn Stead, Child Psychologist and Educator, lives and works in central Auckland. Archives
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